indi

I have a friend who subscribes to a lot of magazines and whenever I see her she always brings a couple for me to read. They are usually of the more trashy variety and I must say I do enjoy having a look through.

One thing I have noticed over the years, is that I never pick up one of these magazines without reading about some starlet or other collapsing.

The list of swooning celebrities is ceaseless; Mischa Barton, Nicole Ritchie, Katie Holmes, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and the Olsen twins, to name but a few, have all been photographed fainting, foundering and flailing.

In days gone by a woman generally collapsed because her corset was too tight, restricting the flow of oxygen to her brain. Nowadays, these girls sink like souffles for no apparent reason (apart from the obvious one, of course; they haven’t eaten anything since they were born).

Britney Spears, who is a consummate collapser, was recently photographed squatting next to a Mercedes Benz (she was assessing the damage she had done to it with her own car, however, starlets and their driving misdemeanors are a whole other post). The photo left very little to the imagination (at least she remembered to put on her undies this time) but there was not a whalebone in sight. So with nothing restricting the flow of oxygen to her brain, I can only attribute her frequent fainting fits to one thing; she does not have a brain.

Poor Britney, barely a day goes by that she doesn’t collapse somewhere; on her way into rehab, on her way out of rehab, in nightclubs - whilst clocking up “frequent rehab points”. In fact she collapses so often that I am convinced she spends more time on her back than her feet. However, Britney’s life does seem enormously complicated and to be fair, if I had to spend any time in Kevin Federline’s company my brain would seize up and I would collapse too.

It isn’t just the youngsters who do it. Angelina, Renee, Jen, even our Nicole have all crumpled like cans in public at one time or other. I think of them as having telescopic legs that retract at the slightest movement. Sickly and weak with flimsy constitutions, they can barely drag themselves from one award ceremony to another (or in Angelina’s case from one adoption agency to another).

And what of their male counterparts, or is this a gender specific affliction? Looking back I cannot remember once seeing Brad Pitt sink, insensible, to the sidewalk. Neither have I ever seen George Clooney recline in the manly arms of his minder and whilst Matthew McConaughey has been photographed in a pair of “budgie smugglers” they could hardly be said to be restricting the flow of oxygen - well, not to his brain at any rate.
Keeling over in public is obviously neither considered masculine nor good for the the image and with the possible exception of Michael Jackson, our boys keep their physical frailties well concealed.

But for the girls it is a worrying trend, for who knows where it may lead? Starlets hate to be outdone by one another in the media and soon passing out may become passe`. What is the next step? Coma for the camera? Or will they simply perish for the paparazzi? If it gets you on the front page of Who Magazine, dying can’t be all bad!

Sadly, I cannot help but feel that Britney, at the forefront of any public vulgarity, would be the first to go.
I hope she remembers her undies that day too!